Turds
82THE COMMON LINK BETWEEN GENERATIONS
What do Moses and Marilyn Monroe have in common? They both produced turds. I suppose that from Adam to the end of days this is the link between all people.
In the Middle Ages, kings, queens and other aristocrats deposited their turds on a turd shelf for their physician to inspect.
It is said that a dog can tell what another dog has eaten by sniffing its turds.
Some frat boys call their mates in to see particularly prodigious progenies they have left in the commode. I do not know if any sorority sisters do this.
Muslims don’t like to shake hands because they wipe their butts with their hands.
TURD CULTURE
About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. The longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be. Of the remaining portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. Another 1/3 of the turd is made of stuff that we find indigestible.
This indigestible material is called "fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.
Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.
Speaking of farting, I was in a restaurant once when a man sitting at the counter leaned over a cracked a loud one. The cook came out from behind the grill and grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him out of the place.
I was kicked out of school in the 7th Grade for leaving a turd in the urinal.
The sphincter is the smartest muscle in the human body. It is the only one that can distinguish between solids, liquids, and gases. (Or so we hope.)
Harry S Truman once said, “Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.”
Ronald Reagan said, “Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.”
The reason some turds float is a high level of methane gas.
One never wants to be called turd-breath. Nor does one want to be called a Fart Blossom. And it does not portend well to be told you only have the same chance as a fart in a whirlwind.
How many kids have left a flaming bag of dog turds on someone’s porch and rang the door bell?
I found a site on the internet that claimed the world record turd was twenty feet long and took two hours to produce. But another site said this was a hoax, and that twelve inches is the best we can do. It also said that they are longer the more relaxed a person is.
Going number two in a public restroom can be fraught with danger. If the stall door doesn’t lock, there is the possibility of some unsuspecting soul trying to come in on you. This person is known as a turd burglar. It is good strategy to use the Camo-Cough and the Fred Astaire (toe-tap) to tip them off that you are in there.
If you stink the place up and it is crowded, you may have to do the Walk of Shame to the sink. In this case, one hopes another person does not go directly in (especially traumatic at someone’s house).
A Watermelon Turd is the one that splashes your behind. And then, we all know about the Turtle Turd, don’t we?
Then there are turd jokes:
The sky was black, the moon was blue, And down the alley the turd wagon flew; A bump was hit, a scream was heard, And Johnny was hit by a flying turd!
In days of old when knights were bold And toilets weren't invented, They left their load beside the road And walked away contented.
Here I sit all broken hearted, Tried to poop but only farted! Here I sit in a trance, Tried to fart, but pooped my pants!
What you say to someone who is hard to understand: "You sound like a turd salesman with a mouthful of samples.”
THE WC
In the days when you couldn't
count on a public facility to have
indoor plumbing, an English woman was
planning a trip to Europe.
She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.
The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards, The Schoolmaster
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Hilarious: really enjoyed it.
Hubertsvoice— You are most welcome.
Alexander Mark— Ah! The joys of methane gas. I would still write your article. If you don't, I will! :D
Garlic man, eh? That's always a hit with the ladies.
I am well pleased that you enjoyed this Hub. I love your witty comments. Thank you my friend for coming to see me and making me smile.
Thank you. I will take my bow now.
Hubertsvoice— You are a lucky man. If I may quote Emerson, Lake & Palmer: "OOH! What a lucky man he was!"
I have contemplated writing a hub about the joys of farting, but after much consideration and especially after seeing this hub, I have decided not to do it. If I didn't know you and your amazing work, and this was the first thing I read, I think I would have gone into shock reading your normal hub work afterward. What a riot!
My contribution is garlic. Real garlic. I love garlic, and almost as much as I love frying up two bulbs of garlic to eat with a bowl of kidney beans and a glass of milk late at night, I love the after-effects on the morning posterior. Of course what comes after is not so pleasant as it does not seem to contain much fiber. Ha ha!
She must have a sense of humor, she married me. Perhaps telling her about it at supper was not good timing.
Hubertsvoice— Tell your wife that I said she needs to develop a sense of humor. Or not. :D
lambservant— Thank you for visiting and commenting on this peculiar Hub. Yes, Turds are quite funny. Once I sat down to take a crap and I was confronted by Graffiti on the wall of the s**thouse stall that said "Crabs can polevault!"
Poop-poop-de-do-do
Hubertsvoice— Thank you for viewing my Hub about this controversial subject. I think it needs to be aired. :D
I told my wife about this article and how funny it is. She called me a s--thead. That's funny, too.
Wow, this is a departure. Nasty as turds are this is pretty funny. Someone I know always says when I over react "Don't pole vault over mouse turds." Great visual eh?
Awesome, you have saved me from having to take a laxative. I laughed my butt off.
primpo— I surely did not mean to disrupt the solemn and sacred space of the library. :-)
I am well pleased that you got a chuckle out of this piece. Thank you for expressing your appreciation of it. And you are welcome.
I am in the library reading this hub, people keep looking at me like I'm nuts because I'm laughing so hard. Great Hub and a great way to start my day.. Thank you .. great sense of humor you have , I must say..
platinumOwl4— This is a subject of great interest to me. And I see that quite a few others shared my enthusiasm. Thank you for coming by to review my Page. I appreciate your kind comments. :)
James I thought I had read all of your hubs that were of interest. When I saw this, first I though, no this is a mistake. No, it was not a mistake and it was comical.
have a good one
lilyfly— You're welcome! Don't you just love it!? The Turd Reich! Ha!
Thank you for your comments. Welcome to the Hub Pages Community!
Ha! I said sit! I'll have to tell my boyfriend about Obama's turd world reich...you've have a big pair, sir! Thanks...lilyfly
WillStarr— It's a turd world my friend. Thank you for visiting my Hub and leaving your warm words. Welcome to HubPages!
It's nice to see someone occasionally expressing a turd world viewpoint!
Well done Mr. Watkins.
Mimi721wis— I am serious sometimes. Deadly so. :D
But not always. I am glad you found my not-so-serious side amusing. Thank you for your accolades. I appreciate the visit and your warm words.
Thought I'd just read through a few of your hubs James just to get a feel about your work. My previous impression of you was that of serious guy. You really have a great sense of humor. I really like this hub. Funny and beautiful.
sueroy333— I'll have to thank granniesharon for the referral. We used the same picture! Ha! I am coming over to look at your Hub soon. Thank you for visiting and commenting. Welcome to the Hub Pages Community!
granniesharon— Everybody's got to be good at something. I think I've found my calling! I'm glad to have your affirmation. :D
Granniesharon left me a note saying your hub would go well with my new Daily Weird. A it turns out, we even used the same picture. I guess twisted minds think alike.
I'm going to link this hub to my Daily Weird #4. Good stuff....
You're quite the turd expert! Just teasing. This was so funny!
quotations— Thank you! Thank you very much. :-)
Great hub
CMerritt— HA! You are funny! I think I'll write about farts next. Thank you ever much for your ongoing support and encouragement. You made my day!
James, of all of the hubs you have written, this one, PROVES once and for all...you really know your sh!t.
you even made "turds" an interesting read!!..
Barns and Noble is WAITING on you....
again, I have yet left one of your hubs, unamused.
ladyt11— I am well pleased to have tickled your funny bone. Thank you for taking the time to read my Hub. I enjoyed your comments.
This was hilarious, especially about the turds being put on a shelf for doctors to inspect, what in the world!!! Also the lady holding the bag and the elephant doing his business in it, gross!! This hub stinks!!! LOL, Great job.
tonymac04— Ha! That's a funny saying, brother. I am glad you enjoyed this one. I wish nothing but love and peace for you, Tony.
James
Dara— I suppose that is a rather odd juxtaposition. But I've always been quite fond of exactly that. In my band we used to play James Brown, then Black Sabbath, then the Eagles, then Jimi Hendrix, then Van Morrison, then Bryan Adams, then Pink Floyd, then Little Feat, then Led Zeppelin. One never knew what was coming next. Especially since we have 1000 songs in our reportoire. :D
As we would say around here - "a shit-load of laughs"! Thanks my friend. I enjoyed this one greatly.
Love and peace
Tony
Well, I really had to skim through this one. But, the reason I was interested was because of the juxtaposition...the other writing being "Social Etiquette"(which I read).
drpastocarlotta— I know ! I know! I AM crazy. I'm glad you got a laugh out of it. That was exactly my intention. Thanks for coming by, dr pastor. :-)
lol, lol, lol, Your CrazY!!!~ lol, lol, lol....... I needed this laugh!!!!!!!
Wayne Brown— Hello doctor! Turds are truly interesting, yes sir. "The Turd Conspiracy" eh? hmmm . . . Maybe. Thanks for coming by and offering your approval. Welcome to Hubpages!
Well,I'll be a turd bird! I did not know there was so much interesting detail on file about this subject. Could there be an adventure novel here..."The Turd Conspiracy"? Nice job,JAW!
U Neek— Thank you the appreciation. Welcome to HubPages!
Funnnneeeee. I'll be smiling all day!
Granny's House— Thank you! I'm glad you came. :-)
Very funny. I am glad I stopped by.
cameciob— Well, you know now! :D
Thank you for your kind words. I decided that I was getting too serious on HubPages. In real life, I laugh all day long. It's nice to see you.
Hi James, I didn’t even know what turd means until I read your hub. Very delightful read, if I can say so. I also noticed you put the same craftiness, the same passion in every subject you write. Good for you.
ffrankbb— You're welcome. Thank you for visiting my Hub and leaving your appreciation.
sord87— Thank you for the nomination. It is a strange topic. But I felt that somebody should bring it out into the open. Why not me?
singlmomat52— You are most welcome. I think farts are funny, too. So your friend is not alone. I appreciate the compimements. Welcome the the Hub Pages Community!
mhuze— You're welcome. Thanks for your laughter. Welcome to the Hub Pages Community.
Springboard— Why, yes. Of course. :D
Not quite last. Funny, James, really funny. Thank you!!
I am hoping to be the last person to comment on your TURDS article.It looks strange to me when you picked up this title but after a few reads I realize that It was indeed a good topic to be discussed while drinking coffee-LOL.!You deserve a golden TURD friend-LOL again.
ABSOLUTELY TO FUNNY AND YET EDUCATIONAL! I HAVE A FRIEND THAT LAUGHS AT EVERY FART SHE HEARS. THANK YOU FOR SHARING SUCH A HUSHED SUBJECT. THANKS, GREAT HUB!!!
haha. thanks for sharing.
funny hub!
Hopefully hilarious only in the comments intended to be. lol
Tom Cornett— I am well pleased to have supplied chuckles. A guffaw would have been even better. :)
I'll be pleased to accept ANY reward, including the Golden Turd. Thanks for the tweet!
Scott Charmichael— Welcome to HubPages! I have spent a fair amount of time in recording studios myself. It is a pleasure to meet another musician, Scott. And an engineer to boot. Polishing turds! So that's what that means. Great addition to the conversation, my friend. Thank you for the visit and the comments.
James
James....You gave me morning chuckles. "Turd Reich"...LOLOL! You definitely should be in the running for the Golden Turd Award for this one.
Off to Tweet this turd! Thanks! :)
Hoot... this cracked me up... for years I've done studio work as a musician... I am usually responsible for final mixes of various projects... every so often you come across a song is so lame that no mixing trick would ever be able to fix it... and when people ask me what I've been up to I reply... "I've been polishing turds"... I will copy that picture of turd polish, so that the next time, I can also provide and illustration....
hoot
Scott
writing time— You're welcome. Thanks much for the compliment. :-)
DeBorrah K. Ogans— I was kinda hoping you wouldn't see this one, Sister. :D
AdamGee— I love "The WC." Thank you for your accolades. I appreciate the visitation.
prettydarkhorse— Hello Maita! I can assure you that I do not have a turd fetish. I just thought this subject was long neglected by academia. :D
The use of turds as fertilizer is of great importance. And yes, we do use versions of "turds" as cuss words, too.
Brilliant Hub. I'm still smiling about it. Many thanks for sharing.
James A Watkins, Hmmm you had me going for a quick moment; "What do Moses and Marilyn Monroe have in common?" Their names start with "M." Ha, Ha! Peace & Blessings!
Awesome article, James. Took my breath away (no pun intended). Seriously though, really funny, especially the story at the end.
turds indeed, I like all the images, there is a fetish for turds, hehe, you use it when you curse also, like sh--t, trash, crap etc.. but they are useful as fertilizer... etc. Thank you, maita
WebbyAvatar--- Thanks! Yea, I like that dog joke, too. I appreciate the thumbs up. Welcome to HubPages.
jiberish--- Thank you, my dear! I'm glad you saw the humor in it. I had fun with it.
LOL it's amazing. I liked the picture joke about the dog.
Thumbs up for the hub!
James, it's nice to see that you have a sense of humor. Very funny stuff!
Tammy Lochmann--- I'm sure you do have alot of experience with doo doo. Both kinds. I'm glad you enjoyed a laugh with me. :-)
QuincyDaWonderDog--- Human turds can float, yes. I'm not sure about dog turds. Welcome to HubPages, Dog.
Hmmm...Thanks for the info...We nurses have a lot of experience with turds...the ones that come out the end and the ones who walk and talk.
Very Funny James...I enjoyed reading.
dey can FLOAT? =:^O
billyaustindillon--- Thanks man! I wonder if they have a HubPages Hall of Fame?
Tara Tufford--- You're welcome. Welcome to the Hub Pages Community. I'm glad you came.
Blondepoet--- I love your new pic. But we DO look at them, don't we? :D
advisor4qb--- Thank you, my dear. I felt a bit of levity was in order. I love your comments. You have added a nice fragrance to the proceedings. The older I get, the more I experience that Second Wave. I hope I have seen the last of those skid marks. The Clean Poopie is my favorite. :-) The Dangler? Best not to talk about that in polite company.
elayne001--- You're welcome. Boys are that way, you know. I needed some readers! What can I say? :D
chaeptrick--- Great to see you here, my audiophile friend. Funny joke, Dean. At least, I assume it is a joke. :D
Thanks for contributing to the pile. Please come as often as you like, on Sundays and Thursdays.
James
Absolute classic hub James
OpinionDuck--- Nice to see you checking in on me, my friend. There may be some linkage, yes. :D
Green Lotus--- Thank you, dear, for the high praise indeed. I did have dinner but it was much earlier in the evening. This was a fun excursion. I'm glad you came.
JannyC--- Sorry about the information overload. I tried to cover all the bases. Thanks for coming!
caretakerray--- Well Ray, I'm dowright relieved that I've made you happy. Thanks for letting me know.
James
hypnodude--- I'm glad I made you laugh. And you hit on MY favorite sentence in this Hub! I agree with your words. Thanks for saying them here.
rprcarz50--- Let me tell you, Ron, it was tough going. I had to gird my loins to get through it. But in the end, I felt a big relief, and light as a feather.
LisaG--- Why, thank you dear. Yea, I thought those pics added a lot of flavor to the piece.
GusTheRedneck--- Thank you, my brother Gus, for helpin' me cypher that. I'm glad you splaned it to me. I'm turd now . . .
Austinstar--- I did! I did! I hadn't thought about writing about pee. hmmm . . .
I'm glad you loved it.
Saintatlarge--- Thank you, L., for swinging by and taking the time to leave your note. ta ta
J
Merlin Fraser--- That's a very funny story, brother. Thank you for coming by to visit and chiming in with your contribution. :)
Hxprof--- Ha! You still have your wit about you! Thanks for your pithy comment.
First thing i read of yours and I will keep on reading!!! That was hilarious:) thanks for making me laugh!!
I will never look at terds the same again LMAO.
James A Watkins Hub Author 5 months ago
Ivona Poyntz— Thank you!! Thank you very much! :D